HAPPY HUMP DAY 01/25/12

Happy Hump Day everyone! It's time for my weekly post to make you smile, chuckle, giggle or laugh 'til you pee your pants.

Where's a baby shower invite when you need one?

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

A woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor? 'Not a chance. He won't even take an aspirin.' she said. 'Not a problem. Give him an 'Irish Viagra', replied the doctor. 'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, he inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, bejaysus! T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? .......What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' This surprised the good doctor. 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Lord, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show my face in 'McDonalds' again!

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?